Choosing a couples therapist: questions for the journey ahead

Begin with the question you are bringing

You might be seeking fewer arguments, more closeness, support after a difficult experience, or clarity about your relationship. You do not need identical goals to start asking about therapy. It can help to describe your concerns in your own words rather than trying to arrive with a diagnosis of the relationship.

Before an initial conversation, each partner could write down one thing that feels difficult, one thing they hope to understand, and one strength they want to preserve. These notes are a starting point, not a test of whether you are ready.

Ask about training and the way sessions are structured

A clinician’s license and specific preparation for couples work are useful things to check. The Gottman Institute’s therapist-selection guidance recommends looking for licensure and training in couples therapy approaches. A professional title alone does not tell you how a therapist will work with your relationship.

• What training have you completed specifically for couples work?
• How do you learn about each partner’s perspective?
• How are goals established when we see the problem differently?
• What would the first few sessions typically involve?
• How do you handle confidentiality, individual conversations, and information shared separately?

Further reading: The Gottman Institute: finding a couples therapist.

Notice whether there is room for both of you

During an initial conversation, consider whether you can ask a question, explain something differently, or say you do not understand. You can also ask how the therapist approaches moments when one partner is more comfortable speaking than the other.

Fit is not a promise that every session will feel comfortable. Relationship conversations can be difficult. It is a reason to discuss how feedback is welcomed and how you would raise a concern about the work. If you cannot speak freely or feel unsafe, tell the therapist privately before deciding whether joint sessions are appropriate.

Make the practical arrangements part of the decision

Ask about session length, fees, frequency, cancellations, and the online setup before committing. A workable arrangement matters alongside the clinical approach. If you plan to use employer benefits, confirm that the service you want is covered; individual therapy coverage does not automatically establish couples coverage.

At Your Next Session, appointments are online for clients located in California. Anisha Mistry has completed Gottman Levels 1 and 2 training and brings over ten years of experience working with many kinds of couples. Private-pay options are 50 minutes at $295 and 80 minutes at $325. Lyra eligibility and covered services must be checked with your particular benefit.

A conversation to have together

Try this prompt before you inquire: “What would make trying therapy feel worthwhile to each of us, and what do we need to ask before we begin?” You do not have to resolve the answer in one conversation. Bringing the questions themselves can be useful.